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2012-09-19 12:32 am
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speaking of emotional vulnerability

It is probably really stalkerish and creepy that I saved this link before it was removed from the Reddit, but I did.

Something I usually don't share with fandom - with most people outside of my family and partner, really - is my take on faith. Because I *am* religious - Catholic and a rebel, really, a believer in God, in Jesus, in Catholic sacrament, in organized religion as a whole, without agreeing with every single thing coming out of the Vatican - and that tends to be an unpopular opinion in fandom, in the geeky part of the Internet, and even in mathematics and science itself.

When I was in college, I was a part of the Catholic ministry. It was tiny - as you'd expect of a small school, as you'd expect of a school full of scientists and engineers, as you'd expect of a Catholic ministry in a largely Protestant part of the country - but it was wonderful, tight knit, and deeply emotional. I was a cantor pretty much my entire college career - about five years, including graduate school - up on stage every Sunday evening, leading this miniscule congregation to worship through song. (I'm only about half as talented as Bdubs, though, if that.)

And those experiences - every Sunday evening, as the sun set through the windows of our tiny chapel - were some of the most earth shaking and moving ones of my life. Any creative enterprise is emotional at its core, including making music; and worship is all about that emotion, where you focus it, what God and the universe is calling you to do, to create, to teach. Worship challenges people to become better, to become stronger, to break down the walls between them and the awesomeness they can be. I've cried - outright sobbed - during Mass before, completely overwhelmed with emotion; with what I have done wrong of my own fault, yes, but also of all the possibilities ahead and all the ways to improve as a human being laid before me. And Catholics are usually very stoic compared to most Christians, least likely to show the emotions that God is sweeping through them...and still, I wept, like a child.

So watching one of my LPer idols, someone strong and brave and full of conviction, sing to worship God in front of others - it was an inspiring moment, and a moving one, and one with which I could fully empathize.